Atkins, Paleo, HCg.....oh my!

The first thing people generally ask you when they find out you are trying to lose weight is: What plan are you following?  As if no one in the world would try to navigate weight loss without following some bullshit diet plan.

Here is the thing with all these diet plans:  they all work, somewhat, but yet they all don't work with life.  I didn't get fat because I hate food.  You can't show me one person who is fat who will ever say "I don't know why I'm fat, eating is a chore!"  No, fat people like to eat!  That may be all manner of Captain Obvious, but it's true.  When a fat person starts subscribing to this eating plan or that eating plan, they inevitably have to eliminate one type of food or another.  Either they can't eat carbs, or they can't have sugar, or they can't have anything white on Thursdays...what the fuck ever!  You tell a fat girl (namely me) she can't have something, whatever it is, and she is going to want it ten times more.  You want to eliminate the weight problem in America?  Outlaw vegetables.  Outlaw vegetables and you will have some fat bitches giving hand jobs in alleys for a bag of frozen Brussels sprouts.

So, no thank you, I won't be eliminating anything from my diet because some whack-a-do who lost ten pounds tells me too.  Plus, these plans never fit into anyone's real life.  Suppose you are on some weird ass eating plan and you go to someone's party.  The world isn't going to accommodate your diet, so now you have to spend all your time asking the hostess what's in this hor d'oeuvre, and if she used organic olive oil, and did she stand on one leg when she did it so the carbs wouldn't mix with the fats due to the earth's axis.  You know what the hostess is going to do?  She's going to think you're an asshole and you won't get invited back to any parties to wear that fabulous dress you can now fit into.  So now you are thin, sitting on a couch every weekend, NOT eating Doritos.  In the words of my girl Sweet Brown - Ain't Nobody Got Time For That! 

Heaven forbid you actually do eat something that doesn't agree with the very strict eating plans laid out by whatever book you smuggled out of Barnes and Noble, you feel like a complete and total failure.  Excuse me, but I've tried on swimming suits in a department store, I don't need a diet to make me feel like shit.

For these reasons, I'm not subscribing to a trendy diet.  I am going with the oldest diet in the world, the dreaded-by-dieters-everywhere MODERATION plan.  Moderation allows me to not turn down my mother-in-law when she invites me for dinner.  Moderation doesn't keep me from being able to enjoy a night out with my husband.  Moderation allows me to re-learn self control and revisit the joy of having a healthy relationship with food.  It won't be easy at first, but nothing worth having ever is.  Here's to it.