Losing Weight Can Get Embarrassing

Ok, when I decided to make this blog, I swore I wouldn't pull any punches and I'd lay it all out on the line, and this is one of those posts.  Forgive me if your humor has evolved past the 12 year old level, because this post is going to be a doozy.

Weight loss, can sometimes get embarrassing.  One of the first things a person usually does when trying to eat better, is incorporate more vegetables in their meal decisions.  Well, vegetables can sometimes wreak havoc on the stomach and colon.  You know where I'm going with this...GAS!

Don't get me wrong, I have never been adverse to vegetables.  I love them, but they have not been center stage in my meal prep for years.  Even if I did serve vegetables, they were usually over cooked, and as we should all know, this zaps the vitamin and fiber benefits right out.  Now, I'm trying to barely steam the vegetables to maintain the nutritional benefits.  My colon, however, has regarded this as an act of war!  Especially considering I tend to prefer vegetables of the cruciferous variety; broccoli, brussel sprouts, greens.  Now if the untrained colon regards vegetables in general as an act of war, cruciferous vegetables would be considered the nuclear attack on Hiroshima variety.

Now, I live in a house of men.  I have a husband and a 7 year old son, and there is always someone breaking wind in the house.  My son thinks it is his job to maintain a certain air pressure in any enclosed space he inhabits.  He's pretty proud of himself when he does let lose the canons too, in a manner only a 7 year old can.  We are working on this and learning it is not necessarily polite to announce when he has "tooted".  It is a bit of a losing battle, however.  If his father is any indication, being amused by bodily functions tends to be something carried on the Y chromosome that they never quite outgrow.  To his credit, his father no longer announces it, preferring instead to let one figure it out on ones own if you get my drift.  He finds that much funnier.  So, not unlike any woman in a house of men, I have been somewhat fighting a losing battle on the "farts are funny to anyone with a penis" front.  Until now.

Combining the cruciferous vegetables with the protein shakes I have for breakfast (because I hate eating breakfast) have left me with an arsenal of my own in the battle of who farts more.  While I am just girly enough to try and do this as privately as possible, sometimes....well....things happen, let's just say.  My husband and son, don't quite know what to think.  I think up until now, my son thought women didn't fart at all.  I think this because he chastised me in the school pick up line one day, in full earshot of a group of teachers, that farting was "not ladylike"!  Yeah, that wasn't embarrassing at all!  It's pretty hard to make people think he's not my kid when he is crawling into my car, and has done so every school day for the better part of two school years.  And, there was no way of hoping no one heard it, when the teachers all stopped speaking, simultaneously, and looked right at me.  So, yeah, parent teacher night is going to be really interesting this year.  I can see them all now, whispering and laughing..."that's Sam's mom...she farts!"

Things also tend to happen when you aren't really conscious   This can put a wrench in the intimacy department as well.  I know because I awoke this morning to my husband hugging the last two inches of the king sized bed on his side.  With his back to me.  Usually, I awake with him spooned up behind me.  It's one of my favorite times of the morning, feeling him there and enjoying a peaceful moment of intimacy with the love of my life.  When I asked him about it he said he was doing it out of "self-preservation".   Already coming to terms with the fact I do snore, combined with the thought of me farting against my husbands lap while he spoons me, has left me feeling like a princess....NOT!

I know from my weight loss efforts before that this is a temporary situation, and I'll get through it.  Eventually, my colon and vegetables will strike an alliance.  It may take a month, but they will come through it.  I just hope they do so before my husband and son decide to team up against me.